I know no one but myself will read this (probably), but I really want to get out what's been scrambling around in my head.
Today was the happiest I've been in ages. I mean, legitimately and genuinely happy. Today's day off with Ethan was like going out on a date when we first started dating - there were no fights, no paranoia, nothing negative at all. Smiles, hugs, cute sayings, movies, sex (twice!), feeling pretty, and picking out a wedding band? It's like a modern fairy tale!
I'm trying to suppress the voice in my head screaming "it's all too good to be true! This is a sign of bad things to come!" I'm afraid of losing this feeling, I'm really scared, because I really did forget what it felt like to be this uninhibited by pain and sorrow. What if something horrible happens tomorrow and I won't ever feel this good again?
But I'm really sick of living my life by "what ifs?" Absolutely fucking sick of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had a close friend tell me recently that I should just enjoy my happiness, because if you're always letting the potential for bad things to happen loom over your shoulder, then you're not really ever happy. I think that's what I succeeded in doing today, finally. I hope I continue to succeed.... because I think after all of the stupid shit I've dealt with in recent months (years), I deserve to be at least marginally happy.
Most of all: I really, truly love my Ethan, and I'm super grateful for today, even if the other shoe does drop like an anvil on my life. I'm finally getting excited, instead of bogged down by "what ifs?", about my wedding.... <3
