I haven't posted in months. There was a reason. I got married, went on a honeymoon, set up an apartment. Positive stuff.
I also managed to fail at all attempts to gain meaningful employment. I'm not even truly disappointed that I couldn't find anything other than my hit or miss subbing gig - there are no Social Studies jobs on LI. What has me on the edge of panic is that I can't even land a bullshit receptionist or file clerk position, of which there are many.
I had a revelation last night. To keep the backstory brief: basically everything I've done, every motivation I had growing up, was to succeed at school and in life so I wouldn't end up miserable like my father. Dad's not a bad man, per se. But he's so wrapped up in his hatred of his life he neglects his wife, his children, and misses out on everything positive that he could have because he can't get over the fact that he works an awful, stressful, shit job. Even as a small child I connected the link between his bitterness and his career, or at least his failure to find work in his desired field.
In middle school I swore that I would do whatever it took to get into a great college once I decided what I wanted to do with my life. In high school, I decided I wanted to be an anthropologist so I busted my ass and ignored the normal trappings of adolescence to get into NYU. And I fucking beat out thousands of other applicants to get in there. In my youth, I was positive that going to the best college would ensure a job that, even if it didn't pay greatly, I would at least be satisfied with.
In college, I got side-tracked, but in a positive way. I managed to find someone whom I loved, and loved me back. This was something that for a very long time I thought would never happen. So I embraced it. And he made me happy. So I married him.
Now it has become clear to me, that these seemingly wonderful things that I've enjoyed, the acceptance and attendance to the college of my (and thousands of others) dreams and the love that I never thought I'd experience, were part of an elaborate cosmic joke.
I led my life, disciplined and difficult more than not, so that I could come out better in life than my parents achieved. I don't really mean financially; although good finances would eliminate 99% of what ails them. The path I took was taken specifically to avoid their destination. But where has it gotten me? The same exact fucking location: lower-middle class suburban hell. I am neither emotionally, mentally, socially, or economically further up the ladder than my parents were at my age. In fact, I'm wallowing in the scum that's beneath the level they were at, because they were never in $120,000 worth of student loan debt with no job.
The happiness I've enjoyed has been an unfortunate detour; a distraction which kept me from seeing the end game.
For now, I'm sure there is a God, or at least a universal sentient being. Because if this was all an accident, all a series of chances and choices, I wouldn't be party to the acute irony that has befallen me. I just wish I knew what I did to infuriate it so, for it to have played so cruel a joke on me.
Most of all, I just wish I knew what I could do to make things better.
