The adventures (and misadventures) of a girl who thinks too much for her own good...

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Yeah - Melania is a joke, but there's something more sinister afoot here....


So….yes, this whole Melania-stole-from-Michelle’s-DNC-speech thing has been wildly entertaining because the memes that have resulted are side-splittingly comedic. There’s no denying that. But in all seriousness – I don’t think the infraction is quite as insulting as Trump’s detractors have made it out to be. To be clear – Trump and anyone willingly in a relationship with him (romantic or professional) is a mouth-breathing, sycophantic gold digger; deserving no respect. But let’s face facts: 99% of politicians and key note speakers at giant public events like conventions are guilty of plagiarism at some point. There’s only so many ways you can rearrange the order of words for a common idea that is often being conveyed at these things. The big reveal here isn’t that Melania Trump is an unoriginal speech thief. Anyone who has seen Melania Trump and heard her speak in everyday life will realize that she is a vapid, opportunistic Barbie doll who married Trump for his money and cashed in big time on her physical appeal. She’s a blank slate, (an ambitious one, sure) but there’s nothing much going on up stairs.

The true reveal of this debacle is that Trump can’t even hire speech writers competent enough to know that 22 out of 26 words in a part of that speech are IDENTICAL to the Michelle Obama speech. I don’t believe for a second that Melania had any credible role in writing the speech she gave – she likely met with the team, who impressed upon her ideas that would be helpful in humanizing her orange demon of a spouse, and then she memorized and parroted them during her part of the show. I don’t know who ghost wrote the speech but – really guys? Really? Let’s be SUUUUUPER generous and hypothesize that they didn’t intentionally lift that part of the speech from Mrs. Obama. There is technology that is used by any credible speech writer which compares what they have written to blocks of words widely available on the internet. It is also used by educators – regular public school English teachers up to Princeton tenured professors. This technology exists because in the internet age – you honestly have to be concerned that someone will steal your shit, or call you out on your shit when you plagiarize. So clearly, they failed at their job – which was to write a speech for Trump Wife #3 that was original enough to pass internet muster while simultaneously humanizing her husband.

So, if they wanted to successfully save face, the Trump camp should have thrown these idiots under the bus. “The speech writing staff was to blame, because we hate Obama and we’ve never seen Michelle Obama speak before so there’s no way we could have known!” should have been their (stupidass) response. But what was their response? Everything ranging from “this was entirely original; it was an expression of alike ideas” to “IT’S ALL THAT BITCH HILLARY’S FAULT!!!” Keeping things 100: you all know I don’t have any love for Hillary, but trying to blame her for the laser like focus the media gave to this gaffe is like blaming Vladimir Putin for the backlash: they’re both completely, undeniably uninvolved and not responsible for the way this story took off, despite both being evil geniuses.

The entire RNC has been nothing but a bash-Clinton party so far– which ultimately shows us that yet again, the Republican Party has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO OFFER IN TERMS OF IDEAS AND SOLUTIONS to the problems that plague our nation. It’s all smoke and mirrors! Who opened up Monday night? John McCain? Nope. George Bush (either of them)? No. Karl Rove? Nay. Dick Cheney? Afraid not. SARAH PALIN? Noooooo. Well, who then? THREE TELEVISION ACTORS AND RICK PERRY. That’s who spoke (aside from Melania) opening night. Scott “Chachi” Baio, Antonio Sabato Jr (I CANT EVEN NAME A SINGLE FUCKING THING HE HAS ACTED IN), that guy from Duck Dynasty (the main one, not his deplorable father), and Rick “if you can’t beat em, join em” Perry – former Governor of Texas, a state never once known for the sanity or level headedness of its citizenry. Let that sink in. Reality television stars are the key note speakers of the Republican convention. The strategy is terrifyingly simple, then, albeit dastardly brilliant: the sheeple of America worship “unscripted” television featuring falsely wholesome protagonists: they don’t know and they don’t care to know how anything actually works in their country, they just know that their lives suck and that there are more brown and black and gay people than ever in America, so they must be at least partially to blame for destroying the American dream, right??? Who better than to drive that racist bigoted garbage home than the stars of TLC and VH1 Reality shows? Fly over America feels like they know Chachi – even though Happy Days aired like 40 years ago – so he must know their plight!

Trump’s campaign is a modified Southern strategy, but instead of playing just on racial resentment among Southern voters (he’s definitely got that angle covered on a national scale), he’s also capturing the non-critical thinking couch potato demographic by parading a cavalcade of D-list celebrities to propagate his campaign to the masses.

To be fair, the Democratic Party definitely benefits from the endorsements of many Hollywood actors and media personalities. How much did George Clooney spend on the Clinton fundraiser this year!? We all remember back in 2005 when Kanye said that George Bush doesn’t care about black people at that Hurricane Katrina relief event. And anything and everything Seth MacFarlane does is blatantly anti-conservative. The bottom line being – the Republicans have finally caught on and are using the morally bankrupt nature of fame whores to their advantage, to great effect. Not to be discounted, however, is the fact that traditional Republican heavyweights want nothing to do with Trump – so even if it weren’t to their advantage to use reality television personalities in their campaign, they don’t have Karl Rove or John McCain or George W. to fall back on – so they’d have to use alternatives anyway.

Ultimately, the facts are: Trump is a buffoon; a charlatan born with a silver spoon in his mouth who realized that one’s brand is fiscally worth more than having substance or integrity, and took that idea to the bank (and then filed for bankruptcy 4 times when his bluster and legal team budgets weren’t enough to keep his businesses afloat). He doesn’t give a crap about everyday Americans – this is all a wild ego trip for him. This speech gaffe – among countless other red flags – is just further proof that he has ZERO crises management skills, ZERO experience governing a body of heterogeneous people, and ZERO believability as a competent leader.  

I’ll continue to giggle at clever internet memes berating the RNC and it’s pathetic pandering to small minded people, but behind every laugh I will cringe in fear because the sheer amount of sheeple in this country is enough where we do need to worry about the possibility of a President Trump – because lies and douchebaggery no longer disqualify you from public office.

Friday, July 8, 2016

Stop shaking your head and DO SOMETHING!


Facts: two black men who didn’t deserve to die for their perceived crimes were killed by police this week, and these murders incited a deranged asshole with a sniper rifle to act out in vengeance for these crimes by targeting white police officers at a Black Lives Matter protest in Dallas – resulting in the murders of 5 police and at least 7 other injured people.

I was disturbed by the videos of the deaths of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile – I cried after 3 seconds worth of footage of Castile and had to avoid the internet for hours. I woke up this morning and heard news of violence against police in Texas and my heart broke even worse. I’m livid and despondent because EVERYDAY now people are being gunned down senselessly in America because as a society we refuse to address pernicious behaviors and injustices; instead we stand on soap boxes and write bitter social media posts and share half-baked memes that only perpetuate hatred and bigotry.

We need to accept the fact that there are law enforcement officers that are not fit to wear the badge, because they are exceedingly aggressive/racist/bigots/are corrupt – whatever the case may be. There are poisoned apples in EVERY profession that serves the public; law enforcement is NO exception. I will quickly assert that the majority of police are upstanding men and women who got into police work for the right reasons and act according to the law, but they need to be the ones who call these bad apples out on their shit. The Black Lives Matter movement and public statements from government officials and general outrage from social media count for shit; the truth is good cops allow the fragile trust that the public has for law enforcement to degrade and civil rights to be trampled every time they hide behind the “brotherhood of blue” and blindly defend a bad cop who needlessly gunned down a citizen whose crime did not merit violent retaliation from police. This is a societal cancer; an institutionalized way of thinking that pervades across the nation – that an officer’s life is inherently at risk whenever they approach or stop a civilian of color, regardless of what the person is being questioned about. It’s also a given that the life of the civilian is automatically worth less than the life of the law enforcement official, so when a completely innocent man such as Philando Castile is gunned down in his car having violated NO LAWS, with legal gun permits and calm disclosure of his concealed carry weapon, no one from the NRA or from the upper echelons of law enforcement rose up and decried the murdering officer – they looked for ways to drag the victim’s name in the dirt, and when no dirt could be found, his death was labeled “a senseless tragedy.”

This happened to Alton Sterling, a small time criminal who was gunned down the day prior to Castile in Louisiana, who was killed by two officers who have a history of being investigated for police brutality. Did the man have a criminal record? Sure. Does the fact that he had a criminal record/the fact that he was breaking a minor law when he was initially approached by police justify the fact that he was murdered for struggling during his apprehension? NO. He should have spent the night in the slammer with some bruises and a fat lip and endured the punishment of his crime – but because he was a black man in a racist backwater at the mercy of brutal police officers, his murder is seen by most as an acceptable result of his life choices. It’s the same disgusting mentality people use against rape victims: what did you expect; flirting/wearing those close/being in a bar? Silly black man: what did you expect selling bootleg CDs in a parking lot? I’m not suggesting Sterling was an angel – it’s the same bullshit that happened when Michael Brown was murdered. These men were entitled to a fair trial for their crimes – but they received bullets instead. The job of a police officer is a difficult one, and I agree they are over worked, under staffed, stressed, and often in danger and do not receive thanks often enough for all they do. But none of those reasons should entitle a police officer to shoot first and ask questions later during a simple stop or arrest. I fully understand that law enforcement officers want to be able to go home and kiss their spouse and children at night, and in theory any person on the street could strip them of this ability – but when police place no value on the lives of the people they are charged with protecting, even if these people have committed a crime and deserve to be apprehended – we don’t have order, we have totalitarianism. WE CANNOT CONTINUE TO GRANT AUTHORITY FIGURES CARTE BLANCHE TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY WEAR A BADGE, OR A PRIEST COLLAR, OR HAVE A HIGH SECURITY CLEARANCE! If those who enforce our laws are exempt from laws – we don’t have order. We have what we currently have: anarchy, in which anyone with a grudge against any category of people (minorities, law enforcement, Muslims, LGBT, etc) can legally buy a gun, and carry out a killing spree.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY CENTRAL POINT: we live in a society that encourages violence by continuing to allow the Second Amendment to go largely unchecked; where the law unequally applies to people of color with respect to the right to bear arms. Think about the string of murders this week: two black men who were armed but not acting violently prior to their encounters with police (ONE OF WHOM LEGALLY HAD HIS WEAPON ON HIS PERSON AND DECLARED AS MUCH), and innocent officers performing their duty at a Black Lives Matter protest in Dallas – states away from where those two murders took place. The common denominator here appears to be police interaction with the public, but that happens every day in every town in America. The common denominator here is the presence of firearms. When a state allows people to legally carry guns on their person; it is IMPOSSIBLE for law enforcement to tell immediately if that weapon is lawful or not on a citizen. EVEN IF IT IS LAWFULLY OWNED, WHO IS TO SAY THE OWNER WILL NOT COMMIT HOMICIDE WITH IT?! Naturally, the police proceed aggressively – because in a world where any citizen may be packing, a police officer may be the victim of gun violence. So it is on the one hand understandable why police overreact and use unnecessary violence against citizens who they perceive to be suspicious (disproportionally men of color). But it is also unacceptable for the police to just decide that because a person seems threatening they automatically lose their right to LIVE without even a hint at due process. WE CANNOT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS – either we constrict access to guns to the point where the police don’t have to panic every time someone reaches into their pocket or glove compartment for their ID, or we continue to let every Joe Schmo have a gun and the police DO need to fear for their lives because of the prevalence of guns and we wind up with the sort of escalating retaliatory murders we saw this week.

Secondly: if we could set aside our murder weapons for even an hour; if we could just sit and talk human to human, we would see that all of this blind, viral, infectious hatred that we have against sub-sets of other people based on stupid shit like their race/ethnicity/religion/sexuality is entirely based on fear and devoid of any kind of logic. We need to recognize that the world is very rarely as simple as black and white – you cannot relegate people into “Good” or “Bad” simply because they are black, or lesbian, or worship a different invisible man in the sky than you, or they committed a crime once and served a prison sentence. Not everyone who wears a badge is a corrupt monster, and not everyone who has committed a crime is an evil deviant. The fuckers that compose ISIS kill as many Muslims as they do Christians or other religious minorities – not all Muslims are terrorists. Not all white people are racist bigots, and not all Christians are homophobes. We need to stop following leaders that point their hypocritical lying fingers at groups of people as being the culprits for all of our social and economic woes (THAT IS A BLATANT REFERENCE TO TRUMP AND MOST OF CONGRESS) and we need to start assessing facts and thinking critically whenever we hear some statistic rattled off on the news or on Facebook. My immediate enemy is not a sociopathic police officer, or a black man with a criminal record, or a white supremacist asshole: my immediate enemies are sheeple that form opinions about a category of people based on cultural and social stereotypes who then proceed to support violence and civil rights violations against these people through apathy, because if you refuse to stand up for EQUAL RIGHTS UNDER THE LAW FOR ALL CITIZENS, if you refuse to call a spade a spade no matter how high ranking or seemingly respectable this person is, if you refuse to recognize injustice and just sit idly by while people you don’t know are victimized by biased and violent social institutions, you are a pathetic waste of human consciousness and a disgrace to the values that this country was founded on.

Societal problems are not easily solved, nor quickly solved, but through dialogue and peaceful protests we can achieve something closer to equal rights and equal protection under the law. We cannot protest in peace when guns are as prevalent as cars. We must vote for representatives who recognize the difficulties faced by their constituents; we need an electorate that will legislate in ways that foster non-violence and conflict resolution at the community level. What we have is a nation divided by irrational hatreds rooted in religious and socioeconomic misinformation, and an electorate that is so corrupted by money and influence from wealthy interest groups that nothing is ever accomplished in the interest of the common American. Social mobility is dead, along with the American dream because of student loan and healthcare debts, and still we cling to our precious guns and blame undocumented Hispanics or war refugees from Syria for everything that afflicts us. WAKE. THE FUCK. UP. If we spent as much effort uniting to fight against the institutions that actually oppress us – no matter race or class or religion – as we do scapegoating and infighting – we would actually have a nation worth waking up in everyday. A nation where your positive choices and merits allow you to succeed, where you can go to the movie or to a social gathering without the fear of being gunned down by a homicidal gun-owner with a grudge, a nation where the pigment in your skin doesn’t increase the likelihood of you being arrested or killed by police, a nation where you can walk down the street wearing conservative dress or a hijab and not have to wonder if this will incite violence from a person of a different religion, or wear a very tight dress and not have to live in fear of being raped on your way home from a party. Stop shaking your head and DO SOMETHING. Stand up to injustice, please, or everything the Founding Fathers sought to do 240 years ago was for nothing. Just a belatedly failed revolution for the history books.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Why the USA is in DESPERATE need of stronger gun control legislation, and why that is only the FIRST step towards fixing what the true problems are...


               It’s hard to even know where to begin. What actually plagues America with respect to (lack of) gun control, terrorism, xenophobia, homophobia, and bigotry is so complex and dense you can’t accurately reflect on the problem in a brief social media post or an internet meme. So I will systematically lay out my position on why we are the mass shooting capital of the world, and what can be done to change this, in this post. If you are allergic to long written assessments or things like facts and common sense – you needn’t read any further. I’d also like to clarify the difference between OPINIONS and FACTS before I continue, because Americans have an awfully hard time distinguishing between the two; an issue that fans the fires of conflict that are currently devouring our society. Here are the definitions of both words, lifted directly from our friend Dictionary.com:

Opinion: noun 1) A belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty 2) A personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

Fact: noun 1) Something that actually exists; reality; truth 2) something known to exist or to have happened.

So to recap: facts exist outside of human perception and rely on logic and investigation (using the Scientific Method) as proof of their credibility. Opinions cannot be proven by their very nature, and are often driven by a person’s religious/cultural/socioeconomic background which informs their personal philosophies. For instance, it is my personal opinion that Game of Thrones is currently the best show on television. It isn’t a fact – there’s no qualitative/quantitative data that can be used to prove this (award show nominations and wide spread favorability do not count) – that’s just how I feel because of various qualities the show has that I appreciate. This, however, is a fact: since the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary on 12/14/2012, there have been 998 mass shootings in America (‘mass shooting’ as defined by Gun Violence Archive as 4 or more deaths not counting the shooter)[i]. Another fact: in 2016 alone, there have been 133 mass shootings (gun deaths/injuries unrelated to massacres are plentiful also: in 2016, 23 accidental shootings committed by toddlers have happened. TODDLERS.). The reasons behind these shootings are many, but all have one thing in common: a gun permitted the (male) perpetrator to commit these crimes and acts of terror based on whatever fucked up ideology they were acting upon.

                The following is my opinion; therefore you can either agree or disagree with me. I think that in a civilized society, guns belong strictly in the hands of people who are serving in our armed forces, to be used against foreign or domestic aggressors. I think without the constant threat of guns in civilian homes, the police and other law enforcement agencies should also be without firearms when serving the public – but allowed to carry defensive weapons to protect themselves and citizens, much like the police today in the United Kingdom. Obviously SWAT teams would be armed if the situation called for this – also like in the UK. I also believe that guns are a cowardly weapon. Guns are a lazy way to take lives: it shouldn’t be so easy to kill a room full of people in less than 5 minutes. Violence should always be a last resort in any and every conflict, PERIOD. Proponents say guns “level the playing field” so that the physical prowess or numbers within an army don’t matter as much in the resulting battles, but all it really does is dehumanize the opponent. Killing should be something we feel the weight of; to serve as a deterrent from resorting to war. There is no dignity to be found in mowing down anonymous enemies. There is no honor in killing at all, even in skilled hand-to-hand combat. If you know me well, you may think my beliefs hypocritical because pretty much every movie I love is awash with gun violence (as well as hand-to-hand combat): The Matrix, every Tarantino movie ever made, Hot Fuzz, etc. But those are works of fiction, and I live in a very real world – watching a cathartic shoot out in a film is not something that I want to emulate or observe in real life. At all. EVER. A world with a minimal amount of violent bloodshed is a lofty ideal, to be sure, may be even a wholly unrealistic one: but that’s the sort of place I’d like to live in, and raise my son in. Why would any reasonable person disagree with that?            

                Now, my opinion is just that: an opinion. It counts for nothing when compared to the law regarding US citizens’ right to own guns, as protected by the Second Amendment of the Constitution. Any gun-zealots who are currently foaming at the mouth can relax, because as much as I’d love to see guns disappear from the face of the earth, that will likely never be the case, and it would be futile to try and force my vision on 308 million American citizens (if only the deplorable Pro-Life nut jobs trying to ban my constitutional right to have an abortion shared my pragmatism). Some very important background on the Second Amendment, and the context in which it was formed. Post-American Revolution, the Founding Fathers were very much concerned with the accessibility of firearms due to the tumultuous English history concerning that subject. Monarchies during the Tudor through the Hanover periods (roughly 1500CE-1800CE)were super fickle: sometimes the King (or Queen) and Parliament were at war with each other, sometimes they were at war with the Common people of a specific religion, and depending on their whims, the average (male) citizen might have been forced to participate in the local militia, or they may have been harassed and abused by the King’s standing army of professional soldiers, or they may have been stripped entirely of firearms to prevent an uprising – the British Isles were rife with conflict. A philosopher/political theorist that was greatly admired by the winners of our independence from Great Britain was James Harrington, who is most famous for his theory of classical republicanism. Harrington believed that a democratic nation formed by popular election was safest against foreign and domestic threats when the population was an armed one. He strongly discouraged the use of a standing army because inevitably the army is used by the government to oppress the people and maintain power. If the citizens are armed and there are no professional soldiers, the thinking was that political power would remain in the hands of the people, instead of in a tyrannical government, as was often the case under European Monarchs. There was also a perceived advantage from an economic standpoint; a nation run by a monarch or an aristocracy tended to favor not having armed citizens for fear of an uprising, and sometimes had to resort to hiring foreign mercenaries to handle their conflicts, which was expensive. In a democracy with armed citizens (who are in theory satisfied with their governmental representation), the public was thought to be more willing to come to the defense of their nation should a conflict arise.[ii]

                So when the Constitution was first being drafted, the Founding Fathers were really more concerned about the power of Congress to raise a standing army vs. assembling state militias – not with assuring that any Joe Schmo could have a gun just ‘because.’ There was a lot of fear with respect to a standing army that we really can’t relate to today considering our national pride in all the different branches of our Armed Services (our current military is a “standing army,” if you hadn’t guessed by now – funny how things change over time, huh?). There was a lot of squabbling that took place about this (won’t bore you with details about the Federalist view vs. the Anti-federalist view), but it was basically unanimously believed that the greatest danger to the new republic was a tyrannical government, and that the ultimate check on tyranny was an armed population.[iii] It was decided that the whole of the (white male) population would comprise the militia of the United States of America. The framers of the Constitution felt that by protecting each individual's (again: white males) right to arms they were preserving freedom and empowering the people to resist tyranny and preserve the republic.[iv]

                Oh, how the times have changed since 1791. This traditional idea of the nation-wide militia faded into history; state-based militia organizations were eventually incorporated into the federal military structure we are more familiar with today.[v] But even though civilian Americans are no longer expected to use their household guns for militia duty (the US Armed Services obviously provides all munitions to their soldiers) – we’re still allowed to keep guns because the Second Amendment is vague enough to ensure this. TRUTHBOMB: I don’t actually have a problem with suburbanites having a pistol for home protection, or for a rancher to have a few rifles to ward off wild animals and the like. If you live in Bumblefuck, Wyoming on a farm and there are coyotes or mountain lions threatening your livestock, I have no problem with you using a firearm to protect your animals - presuming you aren’t an abusive felon with a documented mental illness and a history of violence or links to terror organizations. Breaking and entering is still a common crime and if you live in a non-gated community, I agree that if you want to have a hand gun on premises to fight off someone who has broken into your home to protect your family, it is your right and you should be able to do that - presuming you aren’t an abusive felon with a documented mental illness and a history of violence or links to terror organizations. If you’re an outdoorsy type and you have the proper hunting licenses and such, you should be allowed a firearm to hunt - presuming you aren’t an abusive felon with a documented mental illness and a history of violence or links to terror organizations.  You see what I did there? I agreed that under the rights provided to US citizens under the 2nd Amendment, people should be able to have basic firearms – until something about their actions or psychology disqualifies them from ownership.

                Take it easy, libertarian zealots. I can hear you ranting about how “gun control is unconstitutional” all the way over here. I call bullshit. Let’s take a look at the exact wording of the 2nd Amendment: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” It is clear and unambiguous that the first part of this right references REGULATION: “A well regulated Militia.” Much like the 4th Amendment, which protects our right to privacy, the document recognizes the authority of the government to conduct reasonable searches and seizures.[vi] Gun control has existed since the founding of this country. No joke. You think there weren’t laws on the books forbidding slaves to learn how to use/gain access to an arsenal of firearms? You think there weren’t laws about minimizing concealed weapons in public spaces?[vii]  In truth there have been many restrictions on the books since the early 1800s, and ever since the first cases challenging these gun controls for supposed violations of the 2nd Amendment, courts have repeatedly held that “reasonable” gun laws - those that don’t completely deny access to guns by law-abiding people - are constitutionally permissible.[viii]

                Based on the fact that US History has proven that gun control is considered lawful by the courts when the laws are “reasonable,” I feel as though banning military-grade weapons from civilian usage and installing intensive background checks and waiting periods to purchase guns is a reasonable restriction, in light of the fact that a known wife-abuser/homophobe/racist/ISIS sympathizer/FBI watchlist member by the name of Omar Mateen bought an AR15 with no trouble and proceeded to murder 50 people and injury 53 others in an Orlando nightclub this weekend. AND THAT WASN’T EVEN THE FIRST MURDER COMMITED WITH A GUN THAT WEEKEND IN ORLANDO.

                Sadly, this event – the most deadly mass shooting in American history – is just the latest in a trend of mass murders committed by disaffected twenty-something males. I am disgusted by how the media and many public servants have reacted to this tragedy. Nobody expresses my sentiment better than Samantha Bee did in a segment on her political-comedy show, Full Frontal. If you have the time, I would watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t88X1pYQu-I

The gist of it is: many Americans feel similarly about the issue of gun control; that a gun that can fire 18 rounds per second has no place in the hands of a civilian, that no one with a known history of domestic abuse or mental illness should be able to have access to a firearm and to ensure this you should have to pass a background check and/or obtain a license, etc. But because of special interest groups like the NRA – who has a financial investment in the firearm industry, and has effectively bribed and paid for the loyalty of the Republican tea party opportunists who make up the majority of our Congress – no such restrictions have been passed OR EVEN ALLOWED TO BE BROUGHT UP FOR DISCUSSION, not even after a deranged creep murdered 26 people – 20 of which were children – at Sandy Hook Elementary School in 2012. Nowhere does it guarantee in the Constitution “the right to bear a gun that can kill dozens of people without even having to stop to reload.” In 1791, the guns available to the common citizen were the guns you would use if you were called to serve in the militia, or to hunt that night’s dinner– a long rifle or a musket.[ix] Those things fired ONE MUSKETBALL AT A TIME: and the reload time was somewhere between 2-3 minutes! Our gun control laws are so pathetically outdated we don’t even require someone to have a license buy a gun: but you need one to cut hair or buy a car legally. You don’t even need to show a form of identification to buy a gun in some states: but you have to show State ID to cast a vote in an election in some of those very same states! There need to be stricter laws put in place to prevent homicidal monsters from gunning down innocent people literally every other day in this country. The right to own any piece of equipment classified under the label “gun” should not trump the right of every citizen to not be in danger of being gunned down while they attend religious services, or have a night out at the movies or a nightclub, or attending/instructing school.

                A related stinking pile of bull crap that I would like to address is the assertion that “gun control only punishes law abiding citizens because criminals will find a way to break the law.” Another TV show host who perfectly expressed my sentiment on this topic is Trevor Noah of The Daily Show, who had this to say in response to the Orlando Massacre: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RolEI5n4Jxs 

By claiming “gun control only punishes law abiding citizens because criminals will find a way to break the law” you are also asserting that after September 11, 2001, we shouldn’t have bothered establishing the TSA to screen flyers /expanded the no-fly list/tried to prevent any other homicidal terrorist fanatics from high jacking airplanes to fly them into buildings, because it’s positively inevitable that hijackings will take place – we shouldn’t even attempt to stop them because frisking flyers and searching their bags is a violation of their right to privacy. It is exactly analogous. Fox News cultists always detract from the issue of mass shootings by claiming the real problem is “radical Islam” (ignoring the fact that 996 of the 998 most recent mass shootings were committed by white non-Muslim males), that the real issue is terrorist ISIS sympathizers. To be clear: Islamic fundamentalism is a huge problem in the world and I will address religious fanaticism later.  When addressing the issue of combating ISIS, Noah stated “removing their weapons dramatically decreases their ability to hurt us.” This is a factual statement – without the weapons necessary to kill us, ISIS is just a hateful ideology. Rightwing talking heads on Fox News don’t see a connection between gun laws and terrorism – but religious fundamentalists sure as hell do. An ideology is unable to hurt us until some fanatic picks up a weapon, like an AR15 or an AK47 or an M16, and uses it to cut down non-believers. ISIS, and their cohorts and predecessors Al-Quaeda are not ignorant of this fact: they are well aware that here in America, guns are as prevalent as baseball or apple pie. And please please PLEASE don’t start an argument that “taking away our guns makes us a more attractive target for terrorists” – WE HAVE ACCESS TO ALL THE GUNS WE CAN POSSIBLY WANTAND IT HASN’T DETERRED SHIT. There is NO evidence that having more guns in the public sphere has decreased instances of violence in the US. I would argue it has encouraged violence because again: as far back as 2011, Al Quaeda[x] was preaching to potential jihadists that America is a great place to wage holy war because of the easy access to and availability of guns. To have every Dick, Tom and Harry wandering the streets with a gun tucked in his pants because “it may deter an act of violence” is an invitation to witness a murder during every road rage incident, every drunken challenge to an idiot’s masculinity, every confrontation between a parent and a soccer coach, and so on and so on.

                Here come the Machiavellian devil’s advocates who will argue that “your desire to get rid of guns is understandable because of massacres and so forth, but you’re operating under the assumption that people follow rules and the fact is they don’t: so without guns, we let criminals run our lives, and if not criminals, than the corrupt government. We need guns to protect ourselves blah blah blah.” Let’s talk about those criminals, shall we? YES: Large-scale backdoor arms deals are a huge threat to the world: they provide weapons for oppressive regimes to use against their own citizens, they arm separatist warlords to rebel against unsavory governments, they arm terrorist organizations like ISIS and Al Quaeda and the Taliban and the IRA (that’s right! Terrorist organizations can be white!), they arm thuggish biker gangs and gang-bangers. This is a problem, and the governments of the world have done a pretty shitty job reining in this thriving black market. More needs to be done to reduce the amount of arms and ammunition being manufactured and sold without any regulation whatsoever, more needs to be done to prevent unregistered gun/ammo factories from popping up on the down low, and confiscated illegal arms should be melted down and destroyed to get them off the street for good. But that won’t solve that fact that it is often LEGITIMATELY ELECTED GOVERNMENTS that arm fledgling resistance movements in foreign nations! Remember the takeover of the Crimea in Ukraine two years ago? That was backed by the Russian government, despite what Putin likes to claim. Remember way back when the CIA supported the Taliban in Afghanistan during the Soviet invasion in the early 1980s?? Talk about something coming back to bite you in the ass. So am I saying that corrupt governments are really the truest threat to the regular people of the world? Were the Founding Father’s right? YES- but not in the way that they assumed! The standing army of the US government isn’t the most directly dangerous entity to regular everyday Americans –the lack of action and oversight from the legislative body is what really endangers the common citizen: because the immediate physical threat we face is from EACH OTHER. Additionally, our over-zealous use of the judicial system which disproportionately threatens the safety of minority populations in the US does not address the root of our troubles- it simply punishes offenders without questioning why it is that people steal, or rape, or kill.

                This brings us to my next point, which is that the reason we are the mass-shooting capital of the world is mostly because we refuse to recognize that a problem can be multifaceted and complex, with many factors at play. Humans tend to want to simplify things to be able to understand them better, but often in a situation - like the one we find ourselves in - they are NOT simple. It’s NOT just one thing causing a problem. Trevor Noah correctly states in the above video clip that the most recent massacre perpetrated on American soil is a problem of both (lack of) gun laws and terrorism. I would go even further and add “religious/cultural-based intolerance of homosexuality” to that list of causes. Omar Mateen should have been unable to purchase any type of firearm because 1)He had been under investigation by the FBI TWICE for being linked to terrorist websites 2)he was a known domestic abuser. But because in Florida there are no laws that require gun sellers to research criteria like this before making a sale, nor is there a database for them to access this information about customers– he was able to buy an AR15 from a seller perfectly happy to take his money (ironically, from a former NYPD officer who is an anti-Muslim bigot). Not all gun dealers are irresponsible or without a conscience: we now know Mateen was turned away from another vendor because he seemed suspicious. But clearly not all gun sellers are concerned with the public’s wellbeing; just being able to make a profit and uphold the 2nd Amendment.

                Another factor that has been downplayed greatly in the press has been the fact the nightclub that was chosen by Mateen was a gay club. His ex-wife has made statements that Mateen was homophobic and she believes that was because he was gay himself. The bartender at Pulse, the site of the massacre, has said that Mateen was a frequent patron. You could say that is because he was scoping the place out for his crime, but honestly? He was probably a man trapped in the closet because Islamic culture is intolerant of homosexuality. Scratch that: American culture is intolerant of homosexuality. With laws being passed in the South that are policing the tiny transgender population’s usage of bathrooms and other “religious freedom” bills pushing for the right of employers to be able to fire LGBT people because of their closely held religious beliefs, is anyone really surprised that this attack happened? This act of murder was as much an expression of self-loathing as it was an execution of jihadist Islamic fanaticism.

                Let’s address the fact that the large majority of mass shootings that take place in America are un-related to Islamic terrorism. Terrorism, by the way, is not unique to Islam. Remember the Oklahoma City Bombing? Prior to 9/11, this was the most prolific terror attack on American soil and it was perpetrated by a domestic terrorist; a white man and Persian Gulf War-veteran who wanted revenge against the federal government for their bungled siege in Waco, TX two years to the day before the bombing, and for his belief that the federal government was encroaching on American’s 2nd Amendment rights.[xi] He was also known to be a white supremacist sympathizer – basically the exact ideological opposite of an Islamic terrorist. Let’s remember the 9 innocent church goers who were murdered almost exactly a year ago in Charleston, SC when a racist white guy joined them at their bible study and then opened fire and murdered them all because they were black. This miserable bastard later told a law enforcement official that his intention was to start a race war. Let’s remember Sandy Hook Elementary in December 2014, when over 2 dozen people were senselessly gunned down in an elementary school by a mentally unhinged pedophile whose enabler mother regularly purchased him firearms thinking “they would give him confidence.”[xii] These are only two examples, but the motives here were vastly different: the only common denominators were that the killer had a homicidal goal and a gun with which to carry out this goal.

                Now we can talk about religious fanaticism. I will stress that acts of violence inspired by religious fanaticism are not exclusively the domain of Islam: Christianity had them beat in numbers waaaaaaaay before the Islamic conquests of the Middle Ages. The religious fanatics that get the most press these days are Islamic, there’s no disputing this. Since 9/11, the idea of what our enemy looks like changed from the Cold War-era “Socialist” to the Middle Eastern jihadist. There is no denying that Islamic terror is a problem in nations all over the world; most recently France has had a number of gun massacres and attempted bombings, and Israel is perpetually at war with Hamas-backed Palestine. But Christians regularly shoot and kill people because of a homicidal ideology too - they don’t usually garner the same level of national attention because their body counts tends to be smaller and for some hypocritical reason it isn’t considered an act of terror to shoot up an abortion clinic or the sidewalk outside of a synagogue – that’s “hate crime” territory. How we define a crime is semantic legalese: by using violence to end the lives of others because they don’t conform to your brand of fanaticism, you are both a terrorist and a hate crime perpetrator in my understanding, if not the judicial systems.’ For more information on the difference between “hate crimes” and “terrorism” and the hypocritical inconsistencies about when these terms are applied to crimes, please read this article, it’s short but insightful: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-33205339

Here’s where I enter really dangerous territory: organized religion is a haven for blood thirsty demagogues to spew their philosophies of hatred to large groups of people under the guise of spiritual fulfillment. Because the US Constitution guaranteed the right to freedom of religion in the 1st Amendment, it is extremely difficult to confront hatemongers because they hold the title “Pastor” or “Bishop” or “Imam” or “Rabbi.” We challenge literally every other type of authority in this nation on the regular (reports of people attacking police, school teachers, and their own parents are quite common) – but if they’re toting a Bible/Torah/Koran, we can’t challenge radical fundamentalists of any religion because religion is viewed as something inviolable that should never be questioned. Yes, the majority of religious people are not running around committing mass murder with their legally owned AR15s – they are law abiding, respectful citizens, who practice what their religions actually preach: peace. But for disaffected socially alienated men (and sometimes women – women are often the perpetrators of suicide bombings) who are looking for something to belong to, a radical idea that speaks to their feelings of isolation and victimization and bigotry is a fast track to mass murder, made that much easier by the proliferation of guns in the US. Radical ideas can come from sources other than religion, of course. Nazism is an ideology not based on religion, but it preaches hatred towards anyone who isn’t a blond haired, blue eyed person of European descent, with a specific niche hatred of Jewish people.

                Those who are most susceptible to ideological radicalization are often those who suffer from some sort of social anomie or untreated childhood trauma. This brings me to my next point: many people who perpetrate mass gun murders are disgruntled or sociopathic; having slipped through the cracks of the mental health and education systems un-checked into adulthood. Let’s face it: our mental health infrastructure is a joke. The only people who seem to get treatment are people who have already attempted suicide, and that’s only if they were treated at a hospital with connections to mental health facilities. We stigmatize the concept of mental illness as a culture, dismissing the importance of mental health with demeaning biases about spiritual or inner strength, and we only ever seem to care about it politically until the aftermath of one of our many mass shootings[xiii] – when we bring it up to deflect the discussion from gun control to our poor mental health system because clearly the shooter was “insane” or “disturbed.” It is impossible to say with any certainty if any of the perpetrators of the past 998 mass shootings would have still committed their murders if they had been treated for their social ills – perhaps they still would have been radicalized by whatever ideology inspired them to commit mass murder, perhaps not. While I agree that our society needs to make mental health checkups a component of basic healthcare and to make psychological treatment easier to seek/afford, this won’t prevent fanatics from gunning down innocent people because we don’t consider racism, homophobia, xenophobia, or bigotry “mental illnesses.” They are SOCIAL illnesses, which can only be addressed by aggressive education and accountability for why hatred based on skin color or ethnic origin or sexual orientation is not only wrong, it is DANGEROUS.

                To sum up: taking assault rifles out of the hands of civilians or limiting the amount of firearms/ammunition that they can purchase or closely monitoring the sales and manufacture of firearms won’t prevent all violent attacks from happening: it will only reduce the number of mass murders committed. If there is a will, there is a way to harm another person or a group of people, whether it is with a knife or a bomb or a pencil. But when you have a problem that is so prolific and widespread, the answer should not be “don’t change anything” or even worse “make guns easier to buy.” That’s like saying you should prevent a fire by putting more flammable objects in the vicinity of a flame or prevent drowning by encouraging people to swim in un-guarded water – it’s asinine and logically absurd. Enacting stricter gun control is only the first step to making our country a safer place – while that is being accomplished, we can also work on the festering wounds that actually inspire gun violence: social alienation, stigmas about mental health, poor mental healthcare systems, hateful ideologies like racism/homophobia/xenophobia, unchecked fanatical religious movements, corrupt elected officials, and unchecked bribery lobbies like the NRA. To accomplish this we will have to vote the corrupt lackeys that compose our current Congress and elect officials who actually care about the lives and safety of their constituents, and to do this we need to educate ourselves about the social, political, and economic issues that affect our everyday lives and vote for representatives that have a record and a platform worth standing up for. If we followed the simple precept of “Don’t resort to violence when faced with conflict unless you have to defend your life or the life of someone you love,” we could concentrate our efforts on the things that really matter, instead of squabbling over what the real cause of a mass shooting was.

**** Note – I’ve cited sources here in an informal way because this was not a paper being submitted for peer review; my opinions are my own and I tried to give credit to the rightful source when bringing up facts or news articles/videos.




[iii] http://www.constitution.org/2ll/2ndschol/89vand.pdf
[iv] http://www.constitution.org/2ll/2ndschol/89vand.pdf
[vii] Cornell, Saul (2006). A Well-Regulated Militia: The Founding Fathers and the Origins of Gun Control in America. New York, New York: Oxford University Press. ISBN 978-0-19-514786-5. OCLC 62741396.
[ix] http://www.nramuseum.org/gun-info-research/a-brief-history-of-firearms.aspx
[xi]  Michel, Lou; Herbeck, Dan (2002). American Terrorist: Timothy McVeigh & the Tragedy at Oklahoma City. HarperCollins. ISBN 0-06-039407-2.
[xii] http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/11/26/we-already-know-what-adam-lanza-s-real-motive-was-at-sandy-hook.html
[xiii] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGY6DqB1HX8

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Polly Gives Really Good Advice

So I stumbled upon this article today and even though the person asking Polly for advice was only mildly relatable to me (an 18 year old me would have been far more empathetic), the explanation given by Polly is wonderful for so many reasons and applicable to more than just Stupid Yearning Heart's conundrum. Behold! And take to heart....
http://nymag.com/thecut/2016/05/ask-polly-why-do-i-always-want-unavailable-men.html


Hey, Polly,
This question comes to you from a problem I’ve had for a while and that I can’t see ever dying: I keep falling in love with people who don’t want me. Or, to be clear, people who can’t. Friends with girlfriends, friends’ brothers who I see in passing, acquaintances who have moved to Europe. I had a fucking dream about Elvis and couldn’t stop thinking about him for weeks. It’s getting poisonous, because I can’t just be chill any more. I can’t be my own person with my own life because I keep giving my all to some imaginary life with another person who is, quite honestly, very happy with their lot already. It makes me feel guilty because I project so much shit onto other people who are just, y’know, doing people stuff. They don’t deserve my acting weird about them because in my head they’ve reached over to kiss me and we’ve fucked gently and are holding hands and laughing. See what I mean? It’s destructive.
I feel as if maybe it’s a sort of torture I’ve devised for myself now. I get into a good place and I have to have something that’s going to make me feel a little bit shit, so I create a something with someone who can’t possibly reciprocate. But if any of them did reciprocate, I know I would go to it full-steam ahead, because I actually love them (or whatever). The most recent target is my flatmate, who is kind and easy to get on with and who has a fucking great laugh and who has been cursed with a beautiful relationship with a truly lovely human being. They’re so happy together, and their world is opening up for them, and I feel like some little gremlin on the side licking my lips and watching and waiting for them to fail. If he dumped her for me, I would explode with happiness. But it’s not fair to want him to, is it? Especially when most of what I imagine us having is just that: imaginary. I’m starting to develop feelings for him, and it’s acutely painful. This girlfriend of his — they’re idyllic together, they really are, and I say this being in the room next to them where I can hear them laughing and kissing all night in a particularly painful turn of events that makes me want to punch myself in the face (because I did this to myself — I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP FALLING IN LOVE LIKE THIS).
This has happened so many times before that unrequited love is becoming a familiar feeling. I can’t keep doing it, because it poisons me and the people around me. In between these guys, there’s no one who catches my attention at all. It’s like I’m either in 100 percent and imagining forever, or they repulse me. My therapist said maybe it was the potential of actually being with someone that repulsed me. But if any of them had turned to me and asked me out, I would’ve been over the moon. Especially my flatmate: I can imagine his face so close to mine that we’re sharing the same breath and it doesn’t feel confrontational or upsetting; it feels soft and it makes me smile. I don’t know. Fuck. 


My question is: How can I stop falling into unrequited love? How do I stop my heart from creating false images of people, and how do I just get more fucking chill so I can focus on other shit? I’m done with always straining toward something, always having something possessing my mind, always yearning. I just want to hang out with people and have a good time. 

Sincerely,
Stupid Yearning Heart
Dear Stupid Yearning Heart






When I was young, my mother told me, over and over, in a million different ways, not to fill my head with guys who wouldn’t matter at all in a year or two. My dad told me, over and over, that all guys were assholes and none of them were worth my time. He referred to each of my boyfriends as “That Guy.” No name. As in “Why did that guy run away when he saw me coming? Is that guy afraid of me?” (He made this particular remark about my college boyfriend, and yes, That Guy was very afraid of him.)
I still spent all my time obsessing about That Guy, or moving across the country with That Guy. I abandoned my plans to study abroad and to move to New York City and to get a job in comedy because of That Guy. And when I wasn’t dating That Guy or living with That Guy, I would create another That Guy out of thin air. I used to write music with a good friend of mine, and because we spent some time together and I wasn’t seeing anyone, he had to become That Guy in my mind, too. In my imagination, we made out over and over, always with the cinematic lighting and the laughing and the holding of hands. I had so many different first kisses with him in my brain; I could cue up that imaginary footage at any time. I wrote soft, sullen lullabies about That Guy, how he would never look my way, how he would never turn to me and look into my eyes and suddenly realize: OH MY CHRIST, IT’S YOU, GORGEOUS, GLOWING, UNBELIEVABLE YOU! YOU’VE BEEN RIGHT HERE RADIATING PURE, LUSTY, BRILLIANT GRACE AND DIVINITY UNDER MY NOSE THIS WHOLE TIME! HOT DAMN, YOU ARE FINE! GET IN MY PANTS, WOMAN!
He was hot, though. Black hair and bright blue eyes and the giant torso of a goddamned Hemsworth. I’m not fucking around here; I need you to understand that this man was heavenly. And also? This is a guy who wouldn’t have fucked me if his life depended on it, with or without hand-holding and laughter. He wouldn’t have fucked me up against a trash can in a dark alley 15 beers into a blind-drunk stupor.


It’s fun to fantasize about hot, convenient, nearby guys when you’re out of your skull with horny chemical longing and nihilistic “What does this shit heap of a life add up to anyway?” longing. It feels good to shift gears away from the grind of “Who am I, and who will ever care what the answer to that question is either way?” and shift into “Someone will magically believe in me and want me and crush me in his Hemsworthian embrace” gear instead. This is a salve for the soul of a deeply romantic, abidingly horny nobody.
It’s telling, though, how the footage always zooms in on that moment when That Guy can SEE THAT IT’S YOU and not her or her or her. YOU are the perfect, special, amazing one! Your soul is the one that shines! You are the prettiest, too. You are pure and real and full of everything good in the world. And this very familiar but untouchable hero goes from almost never looking at you to fixing you in his gaze and NEVER EVER WANTING TO LOOK AWAY.
Let’s talk about what that means. First of all, you want someone you already know. You don’t want to go out and meet new, unknown people. That’s common. We want an ex-boyfriend or a former lover or the guy who’s dating the girl next door or a celebrity, of all stupid fucking preteen things. We want someone we see all the time, who is in our circle but unreachable, who is in our past but untouchable. That seems romantic, and easy to picture. We know how he would laugh, how he would stare adoringly.
Instead of starting from scratch, you’re using a character that’s already fully fleshed-out — like a Ken doll — and placing him in each of your imaginary scenes. That’s not falling in love, though. That’s playing games of make-believe. You don’t actually know that much about the dolls you play with. You only know about the stories you’ve MADE UP for them. Falling in love with your flatmate is like falling in love with a Hemsworth. 
Or, more accurately, you’re in love with the idea of yourself as Hemsworth’s love interest. Think of the moment you cue up for yourself, over and over again: Your flatmate reaches over to kiss you. It’s like he sees you for the first time, and suddenly YOU MATTER. You are not a gremlin, licking its lips on the sidelines. You are worthy. You win.
This scenario has nothing to do with him, and it has nothing to do with falling in love. You aren’t in love with him. You’re in love with the idea of being delivered from the world of gremlins into the world of gorgeous creatures who are worthy of adoration. Your fantasy is kind of like emotional, identity-focused pornography: In your money shot, you are accepted and embraced for the first time. 


But just as actual pornography sometimes has a tendency to train those who watch it to feel allergic to the real living, breathing, flawed human beings who don’t wear see-through stilettos and bleach their assholes, your emotional pornography narrows your vision so that you can focus only on unavailable but familiar men as the source of your salvation. And that’s a damn shame. Because YOU are the source of your salvation. You have the power within you to pull all the focus, to be that gorgeous glowing unbelievable human being who he wants so badly in your fantasy. But you have to see yourself that way first.


The problem is that you believe you are a gremlin. Bad, greedy, distracted, twitchy, useless, a blight on the land. I used to think of myself this way, too, but I didn’t realize it most of the time. I had to peel back a lot of layers in therapy to see this clearly. I believed that I was a monster, disgusting and wretched and weak. As long as I saw myself this way, That Guy was never going to give me the time of day. He mattered too much to me; he could feel it. And also, honestly, he was into vaguely dismissive women who had better things to do with their time than hang on his every word. He also had lots of projects, lots of adventures, lots of pressing shit to do. He was mostly spending time with me because I was actually very good at writing songs. He knew that and respected it, but I didn’t. I was too busy daydreaming and feeling rejected and ignoring my own talents and desires. But he was busy doing things that felt important to him.


That kind of focus is attractive. There’s this photo of Chris Hemsworth making a dinosaur cake for his kid that was making the rounds last week on Instagram. Once you see it, it will be singed onto your eyeballs forever, but somehow you’ll still need to look at it again and again. “Wow, he sure is concentrating hard on mixing that batter,” you’ll say. “I admire his focus. A lot.” Then you’ll pull it up a few hours later, to remind yourself of something, you’re not sure what. “Dinosaur cakes are important,” you’ll mumble. 
The moral here is obvious: Focusing on something outside of yourself is hot. Even swole dudes who give away free soft porn on Instagram know this. Doing stuff that’s not about you is hot. Hemsworth’s photo is hot because, well, it’s just hot, but also because he’s required to eat and train like an actual T. rex in order to look that way. It’s hot to work that hard. It’s also hot that someone who works that hard has a little kid, and it’s hot that he would take some time out from eating 15 pounds of chicken and running through quicksand in combat boots to make his kid a pretty shitty-looking cake. Hemsworth’s clumsy cake-making is hot, too. The idea of his being slightly clumsy is fucking hot. Big, fumbling hands. Australian-accented apologies as he crushes you under his heft.


Whoa there, Nellie. Let’s not lose the thread. The point is, you need to focus all this swirling, intense, imaginative mind-fuckery into something bold and bright and useful. You must figure out where to put this! You must make something with your big, clumsy imagination! You must learn to focus really hard and work really hard, even if at first you only make shitty-looking, stupid, pointless things that other people will call crappy!
Having something worthwhile to focus on is key. It’s sexy because it feels good because it’s everything. You can’t become a full person until you learn to turn off the pretty fantasies of emotional theft in your brain — and yes, it’s truly not fair to be rooting against your flatmate’s relationship. You need to make your own stories out in the real world instead. 
And let’s be honest, it’s harder to be a real person in real time than it is to live in a fantasy world. The real world takes real risk. You have to show up instead of distracting yourself with your whimsical, sexy imaginings. You have to get out of your own head. You have to work really fucking hard at things that don’t seem to matter at first, and you have to work really fucking hard to figure out what things might seem to matter eventually. Back when I was in lust with That Guy, I didn’t want to work hard. I wanted magic instead. But the only good that came out of it were the songs I wrote about him. Once I wrote a song with him that was also about him. It was a good song.
And when I hear that song, I think, Yep, that was the year I was young and hot but thought I was a monster. When you believe that you’re a monster, you believe that any real, flawed human being who’s not a creation of your imagination is a monster, too. That’s sort of what my song sounds like. Like creating things in a vacuum and never really telling anyone what they meant to me. Like feeling broken but big and full and confused and alive and nuts but pretending that everything was fine and mundane and small and ordinary. Like feeling that I was at once hideous and gorgeous, and being so ashamed of those feelings that I chose to remain invisible rather than allow myself the luxury of being seen at last. Back then, I dared to stoke fantasies about people I barely knew, but I didn’t dare to care about myself. That was too embarrassing. That was too vulnerable.
No one will care until you care. You don’t care yet. Own the woman who fucks gently and own the gremlin who licks its lips, because you are both of these things. Forget your flatmate. He is the least important part of this story. Let him go, but show him some respect. Respect his space and his soul. Give him some room. Allow him to exist outside of your very creative mind. 


You can’t hang out with people and have a good time — as you state is your goal — until you show them respect. That means you have to stop putting yourself at the center of every picture. That means you have to appreciate pictures even when you’re not in them. You don’t need to be everything to everyone. You just have to matter to yourself. Once you care about yourself, you’ll have room to care about other people — as human beings, not as mirrors or escape fantasies or imaginary rivals or ciphers or scapegoats.
I have two daughters, and this, for some reason, is my biggest fear when it comes to them, that they’ll waste their lives chasing men in circles instead of recognizing how much sunshine and genius and expansive, outrageous possibility they carry around with them everywhere they go. But this anxiety of mine isn’t just about young women and their tendency to ignore their own value and worth and potential. It’s also about 30-something men and 40-somethings and 50-somethings and everyone under the goddamned sun. We are all so completely poleaxed by our own longing, by our own magical thinking, by our own physical resistance to hard work. We put our faith in prefabricated fantasies instead of reality; we believe in easy answers and short cuts instead of craft; we admire popularity instead of originality; we find ourselves reaching for shiny dreamworlds and ignoring human beings. The world tells us that we should be disappointed in ourselves, every single day. The best party is across town. The best party is across the universe. We should be fucking a ghost that looks like Chris Hemsworth, gently, in some galaxy far away.
Let’s just be ourselves instead, broken but hopeful, and let’s be right here, right now. Let’s look around and see the scrappy, mediocre, mundane details of our lives and proclaim them exalted and glorious. Imagine for a moment that I can see you clearly for the first time. I can see you clearly, and you are radiating pure, lusty, brilliant grace and divinity. Feel it. Believe it. Carry it with you.
Polly