In the past few weeks, I've been increasingly anxious and jittery. I guess that's not unusual, considering my wedding date is fast approaching. I know that many a bride has been overwhelmed by the plethora of appointments that need to be made and attended, phone calls, inquiries, decisions. But for some reason, these stressors have so polluted my mind that I find there is no where I can turn to internally to run from them.
The closest analogy I can think of is from the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. In the film, the protagonist has paid a service to wipe his memory clean of his ex-girlfriend, Clementine. While the process is taking place, from inside his mind the audience watches Joel trying to hide from the cleaners because he ultimately decided that he didn't really want to forget Clementine, so he flees to obscure, uncomfortable memories with Clementine to try and preserve her somehow in his psyche.
That's sort of how I operate when I need a mental escape from what's going on in my life. Only, naturally, I try and dwell on happy memories, such as my first date with Ethan, or a fun time I had with my friends in high school, etc. Except recently, this luxury has eluded me. Whenever I try and divert my focus from things I need to do or remember to do, I can't think of anything that doesn't either: A) make me nostalgic, which in turn, depresses me; B) makes me horrifically uncomfortable; or C) makes me outright sad. Any and all happy memories degrade into a blurry scene in which a dreadful feeling washes over me, and the little voice in my head taunts "things won't ever be that great again ever!" - and I'm abruptly snapped back into worrying about the growing list of phone calls that need to be made.
I can remember a time when falling asleep was something I looked forward to because it was entirely time I had to myself, no one could take it away or intrude on it, it was my time to fantasize about what I'd do with a million dollars (this was back in an era when that was actually a large sum of money), what heaven might be like (this was back in an era when I actually believed in such a thing), or what my handsome prince would look like if I had been born a princess (this was back in an era when I wasn't aware of how despicably sexist Disney was). I almost dread going to sleep now. Any hope of a fantasy is beaten down by my uber-stressful reality. It's starting to encroach on my fully-awake hours too, having had two panic attacks in as many weeks. Not the worst attacks I've ever had, which I suppose I can be thankful for, but for those who don't know: any panic attack is a giant drain on someone's emotional and mental stamina.
I have people tell me all the time that everything will be ok and that I shouldn't worry about things I can't control. But truthfully, I can be and am forced to be in control of a lot of things in my life. I'm not a celebrity, I can't pay some lackey to run my life for me. I just hope that once this wedding is over, I can reclaim that small piece of mental ownership and enjoyment I had at bedtime, if just for a short while.
